Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
time machine? you mean a clock?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ