Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doug is just Canadian for dog

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

seems fine

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?