Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

wtf

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?