Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Terribly Tuesday.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Priorities
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*