Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I saw nothing
Same pineapple, same
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.