Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

Choose your fighter

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

people who do mutinies should be called mutants

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.