Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you