Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

#damn

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat