me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Your honor these allegations are
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it