Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.