Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
You Might Also Like
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
#math
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.