Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.