Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

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