Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
You Might Also Like
✌🏽
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing