Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened