Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
But that’s none of my business
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.