me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design