Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Xylophonist Shredding It

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Stop it! 😂

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails