Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is a marshmallow

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

my dog when i have a friend over

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm