me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Imma just leave this here…………
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.