me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
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So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.