Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*