Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
You Might Also Like
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
road rage
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
