Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Perfect
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
The glory of fall.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
not for long
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of