Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers