me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“you look easy to draw”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.