me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
a New Yorker reject, for you
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
car not found
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?