Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
You Might Also Like
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
buys donuts instead
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*