Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

screw you

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

how to market bottled water to dads

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*