Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
The biggest mystery of our time
