Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.