Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noted.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.