me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
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nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Webb. James Webb.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.
Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go