me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

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On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂


[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50


When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.


Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?


*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*


My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house


I’m not mature enough, in any way, to ever have a friend named Dick.