me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.