Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
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AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
When I said I liked it rough.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
me and my fake scenarios
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
there has never been a better use of this meme
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages