Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

dead inside

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Word.

~ Microsoft.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Got a light

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

I can fix him.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.