Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
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Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Time heals everything 🙂
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes