Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

This could be us… but you playing

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

2 years later

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b