Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.

Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.

#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.