me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Beware of the dog..
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
X-tra spooky blend
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it