Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

#Caturday

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.