me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Your honor these allegations are
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The real reason evolution started..😂
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.