ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.