ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
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*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Banana is the quietest snack
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great