Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Called it

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

Everyday I’m on that James Bond diet:

0 water
0 salad
7 servings of mac n cheese (shaken, not stirred)

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

absolute chaos

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.