Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
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Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I just ran a .003048K
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
how long have you had this for?
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one