Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?