Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The game has officially changed 😎
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam