Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

cats when you pet them too long:

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?

Me: Great!

11: Want to hear it again?

Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.