Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.