Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.