Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

LOL

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me