@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

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@fro_vo

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

@kwkorpi

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU

When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@Tmoney68

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

@AimeeHelene1

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.