Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You Might Also Like
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU
When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
M: I accept.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.