Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
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Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.