Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

adding to the discourse

I have no passwords left in me

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.