Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you