Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
This is me 🤣🤣
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Always
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.