Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

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He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.


In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.


Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.



HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree


Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep


Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.


The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.


I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.