@lmwortho

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

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@XclairemckX

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

@OctoberJones

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

@kacisuewho

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@LindaInDisguise

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

@tnylgn

The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.

@Sassafrantz

I found out why I’m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.