LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
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