Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

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LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine


as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money


“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.


Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?


I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right


Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!


[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles


Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess


Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.