Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper