Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning