Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
good news everyone
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Breaking news:
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”