Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.