NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!
Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.