@UnfilteredMama

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

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@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@NYC_Blonde

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

@joeljeffrey

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

@noo_nee_noo

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Today’s lunch: Pan fried pork chops, cheesy hash brown casserole, peach cobbler, a quick defibrillation and two stents.

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@SortaBad

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@ConanOBrien

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.