Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Hello Twits.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.