Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

🤣

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

pizza

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.