Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

My teenage children choosing violence

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

monday

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.