Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Good for him.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day