Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
You Might Also Like
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Left at a local drug store…
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.