Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

cat vs inanimate object

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

stop

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Happy Star Wars day!

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.