Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

Kid: I want pancakes.

Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.

Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

There are spies in chicken coups now. They’re egg plants.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*