Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend