Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*