Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out