Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Unexpected Judgment

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers