Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

Great acting.. 😂

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.