always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day