Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go
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Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Stranger: can I ask your opinion on something?
Me: you can but I wouldn’t recommend it
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.