Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

i hope my email finds you on fire

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.