Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Please vote for people who are attractive

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡