Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

My diet starts in January

of 2027

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Hit me in the face with a bird

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.