me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.